Valentine’s Day Special: “I’m Still Here”

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Well, folks, it’s Valentine’s Day. And instead of talking about more pressing issues like police brutality, global warming, the wage gap, or the incessant news coverage of Donald Trump’s stupidity, I have decided — for the sake of my sanity and the desire to unplug from worldly drama — to dedicate this post to Valentine’s Day.

Now, I’ve never paid much attention to Valentine’s Day. Although I appreciate the concept behind it, Valentine’s Day was just another day for me. I mostly looked at it as a commercial holiday and nothing more. Perhaps, it’s because I’ve never celebrated the occasion with anyone I was romantically involved with. This year won’t be any different. I am single, therefore, it will be just me and my single girlfriends choosing to acknowledge the love we have for ourselves and our friendship, rather than anything romantic. 

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For some, it might sound sad. The idea of single women on Valentine’s Day sounds much sadder than the idea of single men on Valentine’s Day. Lord knows how much pressure our global society places on women to have and keep a man. Women are sent daily signals about how our worth is dependent on a man choosing us and publicly claiming us, which, of course, is complete bullshit. Despite the bullshit, it’s hard to ignore the impact this conditioning has on women and our self-esteem. So when Valentine’s Day comes around, and we are still without a “bae”, it can lead to women feeling sorry for themselves and worrying about their romantic futures. I understand, I’ve had those same worries, not because of Valentine’s Day, but just as a result of running into guys that I never fully connected with.

However, don’t cry for me Argentina, because I am not sad about being single on Valentine’s Day. Not having a “boo” has been the least of my concerns. This past year has been such a learning experience for me. Stepping out on faith to lay the foundation for my own business has revealed both my strengths and my weaknesses. I’ve made mistakes, I’ve made great strides, I’ve cried, I’ve doubted myself and the gift God has given me, I’ve met some great people, I’ve considered quitting and going back to a stable job, I’ve cried, and I’ve ugly cried, I’ve considered securing a sugar daddy, and I’ve cried some more. But I’m still here. Granted, I’m not where I want to be, but I’m still here, and I am entering a new level of self-acceptance. I love who I am and that is something worth celebrating.

Growing up, I never had an issue loving myself, but this past year sent my self-love into question. Walking my path as a motivational speaker and dealing with adversity along the way made me question the love I had for myself and my talents. But I have chosen to not only embrace my growing pains, but to also embrace all of who I am: the parts of me that are great and the parts of me that are still in development. I have chosen to see myself in my entirety, proclaim my beauty, understand my perfect imperfections, and love myself again. I choose to love myself unapologetically, and during moments of insecurity, and with more passion than any man professes he can.e88cbf0e412471bc844088ac9b9b5efd--black-women-art-black-girls

I choose me.

I now know that when I thought I was breaking, I was actually shedding the pieces of me that I outgrew. I was having a break-through, not a break-down. I will acknowledge Valentine’s Day and every day henceforth as a day of triumph for self-love, instead of self-loathing. I will toast to this journey, how far I’ve come, and how many times I chose to stand back up after crumbling down. I’m still here.

Happy Valentine’s Day! Cheers! 

 

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A VALENTINE’S DAY Special: She said, “So where does that leave us?”. He responds, “idk…I’m Regular”.

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This post is in reference to my good girlfriend and the most recent romantic experience she had:    

Let’s start from the beginning shall we?

In the beginning – as with most relationships – it was great. He – let’s just call him “Sir”-  met her – we’ll just call her “Madame” – at an event and was immediately attracted. And from that moment, “Sir” took the initiative to get to know “Madame”. They talked, when out on dates…it was the perfect no-pressure-just-getting-to-know-you situation, where they simply enjoyed the time spent with each other without any expectations. They were, as many like to call it, “going with the flow”, seeing how their relationship would develop.  As time passed, their feelings and attraction for one another grew.

 

However, during this “flow”, they became intimate. It is my personal belief that sex has the enormous potential to change the “flow” within any relationship, but especially in non-exclusive relationships. If two people have sex, but are not committed/exclusive, the nature and boundaries and expectations within that relationship can become blurry, leading to confusion and disappointment. Even though people – especially men- claim that sex won’t change things, it ultimately does.

And that’s what happened with “Sir” and “Madame”. Their sexual relationship, although enjoyable, lead to some minor “complications” – the details of which I will not share out of respect for both parties.  But these “complications” were no ones fault…sometimes shit happens and there is no one to blame.

However, these “complications” scared “Sir” away. He became distant, all the while claiming that he was fine. “Madame” could feel him disconnecting and asked him if he was still interested in talking. “Sir” said that he wanted to continue, but his actions said just the opposite. First, he said his distance was due to “working so many hours”, then he was dealing with “life issues” and soon, the same man that had consistently and enthusiastically sought her out, was slowly and cautiously backing away. He made no requests to go out on any dates, and talking on the phone dwindled down to the most basic of text conversations.

“Madame” confronted him about it, and they had a discussion where “Sir” explained how the “complications” sparked by their sex life made him feel guilty and, therefore, uncomfortable. “Madame” had known for some time that his disappearance was due to this and wished “Sir” would have just communicated his feelings honestly, instead of excusing himself away. Afterwards, “Madame” had hoped that their open dialogue would breathe life back into their friendship…she was wrong. “Madame” texted him, “I’m glad we talked last night…So where does that leave us?”.

“Sir” responded, “idk…I’m Regular”.

 

Uuuuuuummmm. EXCUSE ME??

You’re “REGULAR”????

Are we  at a GAS PUMP or something?? Did you just give her your GAS preference “Sir”?! You’re REGULAR??!!…Are you referring to the state of your BOWELS??!!…are you on laxatives “Sir”??!!  You’re REGULAR??!!…Is this in regards to your moderate MENSTRUAL FLOW?? 

What on earth does that EVEN MEAN????!!!

Well, I’ll tell you and all the other “Madame”s what it means. It means that he simply does not care. It means that his feelings about this woman are now neutral. Despite the happy moments and conversations that were shared, despite the fact that at one point they genuinely liked, cared for, and be-friended each other, despite the fact that “Madame” did nothing but be kind, honest and encouraging to “Sir”, despite the fact that it was “Madame”, not “Sir”, who actually had to DEAL with and overcome any sexually related “complications” by herself…despite all of these things, “Sir” says, “idk…I’M REGULAR”.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

Is “Sir” a bad guy? No, as a matter of fact, “Sir” is not a bad guy…he’s not a bad guy at all. He just did what a lot of people do when in an unpleasant/un-favoring situation: he made it about himself, and, rather than face it or say something, he retreated, leaving my friend, “Madame”, hurt and confused. But what’s perplexing is that I don’t know what he was retreating from. It’s not like these “complications” were that deep or serious or life threatening. It’s not as though “Madame” was upset and blamed him for anything. It was not. that. serious.

 

Do I think he felt bad about what happened? Sure. But I also think that in regards to sex, men have very fragile egos, and if they feel things aren’t going good in that department, they become insecure.  “Sir” claimed that he was just doing what he thought “she wanted”…but he was wrong. His actions only revealed his desire to leave a situation that didn’t go according to his plan. Or heck, maybe he just lost interest, even though he claimed he hadn’t.

 

In any case, “Sir”, I bid you farewell on behalf of “Madame”.  Thank you for walking away from my friend and making room available for someone much better and more deserving of her time. Someone who actually knows what he wants and can COMMUNICATE that. Someone who does not run or cave-in under the weight of their own self-imposed “guilt”, and whose feelings towards her are not “REGULAR” but SPECTACULAR. Someone whose actions consistently and enthusiastically display love, kindness, and reverence. As the song says, “All that Bullshit is for the birds..” So to you, “Sir”, I chuck multiple DEUCES.

 

And for my dearest “Madame”, who I adore and love with every ounce of my being, I say to you: Remember your worth. Never settle for someone who has yet to see your full glory. Follow your gut, your instincts, your God given intuition…your common sense. You know when a situation feels right and when it feels wrong. I know you are hurt, but do not waste your mental and verbal energy bashing or replaying what transpired between you and  “Sir”. Do not feel defeated or disappointed in yourself because you have not lost ANYTHING…you are fully intact having learned another vital life lesson. Valentine’s Day is around the corner, so surround yourself with people who will gas you up with that “PREMIUM” love…leave that “REGULAR” shit alone.

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