There I was, scrolling through instagram, when I saw a picture of my friend, Binna, lying in a hospital bed. She had gotten into a car accident, but was trying to assure us that she was ok — it was just like Binna to say that. She was the third friend of mine who had gotten into a serious car accident that month. When I saw the picture of her totaled car, which looked like it had been stepped on and squished down by a giant, in addition to her hospital photos where she laid there bruised and cut with a fractured rib, my heart jolted. Binna was in positive spirits, but I was frazzled.
When I finally saw her and asked her about the accident, she only spoke of the good things that happened as a result of it. I told her that there was no doubt that there was a divine hand on her life and I’m sure she felt so blessed to be alive. Binna said that she was definitely blessed. She spoke of how the accident changed her; she claimed that she wasn’t the same person anymore, and that she couldn’t conceive being who she once was. Of course I asked her what she meant by that, and, in retrospect, I probably shouldn’t have asked her to explain such a loaded experience in that rushed moment, but I just had to know something. I could see it was a little challenging for Binna to quickly sum up everything she meant by that comment, and I could see her trying to find the right words. All she could muster up to say in that moment was that she just loved herself more. Not that she didn’t love herself prior to the accident, it’s just that the love she felt for herself now was deeper than it once was, and the things that she used to stress over, she now finds irrelevant, therefore, she no longer stresses over it. There was an appreciation for life itself, for simply being, that she was awakened to.
There was something about Binna saying that she loved herself more that really struck me. I envied her. I wish I carried that same deep love and awareness that she spoke of. Don’t get me wrong. I do love myself, but I can also be pretty hard on myself and readily harp on my self-perceived flaws and countless mistakes. But Binna seemed to be on a different level. She was calm and at peace and happy — un-frazzled. I salivated for the same thing.
Binna’s story is not the first one I’ve heard where someone has had a near death experience that makes them infinitely more grateful for life and for themselves. It’s a shame that life has to be nearly taken before we gain an appreciation for it. I’m on a quest to gain that same depth that Binna now wades in, just without the near death experience lol. However, talking to Binna pushed me one step deeper into that realization. It appears as though her “accident” had a ripple effect and stirred me while I was apparently sleep walking. I’ll take it as one of God’s many signs telling me to chill the f*&k out and take note of all I have to smile about.